Author:Tanya Stewart, Esq.
[Focus Mag] Ha ha! I forgot the Subject Line on my PERFECTION Issue! Perfect Irony!
Our FOCUS:
How To Fail At ANYTHING (aka Perfectionism)
Even those who are perfectionists – oddly enough avoid the word perfectionist. Society has (happily) given it a bad name.
So all of you people who just want to “get it right” use euphemisms. You talk about the timing could be better, you need more resources, next year when the economy turns around, just need a little bit more time to take another look at it…and TRY harder.
Perfect is impossible. The attempt to make something perfect before you act is simply an excuse to avoid doing. Men who are commitment phobes search for a “perfect woman”. People who really like eating sugar search for the “perfect diet”.
Come on in… I won’t bite. Today’s deep dive is into perfection – the easiest way to fail at ANYTHING.
P.S. Forgetting the subject line on this was an awesome (& accidental!) test- did YOU open the one with the mistake??
Julia Cameron, Writer
Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is the pursuit of
the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we
do will ever be good enough – that we should try harder.”
Today’s TRAINING:
In hindsight looking at the first two topics for the magazine: efforts for and comparing, it seems natural that perfectionism should be up next. After all these guys are all close cousins.
And now for a brief rant on the things that would NOT exist if their inventors had been total perfectionists: cars, light bulbs, tampons, air-conditioning, radio, TV, cable TV, cell phones…
Can you spot the pattern? Just about anything that you find useful in your day-to-day existence was created by somebody somewhere who pushed past the urge to have it “just right” and got on with it.
I heard a quote recently that I liked:
Imperfect Action always beats Perfect Inaction – Harry Truman
Perfection sucks.
You don’t have to get it right, x you just have to get it going. (I am CLEARLY feeling very “quote-y”).
My favorite anti-perfection teaching I use all the time “You can’t steer a parked car. Meaning, you have got to get in motion for me to even be able to course correct you were give you some feedback.
So since ego loves efforting, adores comparing, you can fully expect that it is the President of the Fan Club of Perfection.
Here are easy instructions for HOW TO FAIL at the next important thing you’re going to do:
1) Decide that it’s important. Really important. Preferably your life will just go to hell in a handbasket if “it “doesn’t happen.
This will ensure that all of your energy is negative and lack based. It will guarantee that your motivation is fearful which must fail by law.
2) Then decide there’s only one way to do whatever it is you’re doing or to get wherever it is you want to go. Just the one.
On high spiritual terms this collapses the quantum field of possibilities so that it becomes impossible for you to see any option other than the single one you’ve identified, which makes it WAY easier for you to fail
3) Now you should demand that the thing happen… Right now. Yes urgently. Critically. Right this moment.
Under no circumstances should you consider the possibility of allowing divine timing to assist or that God can veer off of your schedule. Be firm, let the Universe know you need it right the hell now.
4) At every moment of uncertainty, worry about failing.
Make doubly sure that you are focused on the worst possible outcome at ALL times, so that you only notice things that will lead you to that dark outcome. (Thank Goodness for the Law of Like to Like!)
5) Consult as many other people as possible who do not believe that you can succeed.
It can be difficult to ensure a total failure, however surrounding yourself with people who are used to failing themselves and/or watching you fail and then discussing your plans with them endlessly is a very good start.
6) Often overlooked but nonetheless critical, is try to do as little as possible toward the outcome. Avoid, delay, procrastinate, research, plan and argue are all great tactics here to avoid taking action.
Getting into motion and receiving feedback that could actually tell you how to course correct and reach your goal would require you to have to begin without certainty of success. That’s sounds uncomfortable. So obviously, that’s silly. Wait until you’re totally certain.
7) If you can’t bring yourself to simply expect to fail, please do the next closest thing and simply hope not to fail.
Thankfully, the doubt in the “hope” should successfully keep you from succeeding.
*******************************
Oh. Maybe I should have called that “7 Steps to Mastering Perfection?”
Or “How Your Ego Keeps You from Achieving Your Big Dreams While it LOOKS Like You Are Trying“
Yuck. Just to discuss this I had to use words I don’t like – like the word “try.” Try is a curse word to me. Long live Master Yoda just nailed this one when he said:
Do or do not. There is no try.
In fact, when I encounter someone who has perfectionist tendencies – they will often tell me that they are… (please imagine me gritting my teeth) trying!
The special version of trying that they’re doing usually involves Step 6 above.
Efforting. Comparing. Perfectionism.
Stop it.
Since I seem to be on a little bit of a roll, here is the quote that is powerful and true and a little magical. It conveys everything I want you to learn and act on. This quote is the antidote to perfectionism.
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back — concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
—Goethe
He’s even got Commitment in there (Step 1 of Tanya’s 4 Steps to Decide Anything). I love it. Make it your guide.
Tanya Recommends:
A book called “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield.
If you are battling your ego to get your work done, especially if it is creative work, this book will get you MOVING. What I call ego, he calls Resistance. I listened to it on a cross country flight and nodded in agreement so much, I’m shocked my neck wasn’t sore!
Excellent coaching in a book. I give it as a gift.
Here is a link to Amazon for $10, Audible for the audio book is $5 but you should be able to find it anywhere you look.
Hopefully you laughed during the 7 Steps above. I want you to look at the next “thing” you are pushing and pulling for. Run it through the list. See where you are holding yourself back with a focus on trying to “get it right”. DONE is always better than perfect. I launch at 80%. I teach that. When your “whatever” hits 80% – launch it. You will get quick feedback that will enable you to get your 80 up over 90. Does Apple send us iPhones at 100%? Hell NO!
“Perfection is a dream killer. It is just fear disguised as trying to do your best. It just is.”
—Mastin Kipp
Perfection involves you lying to yourself (I am not afraid) and lying to others (this delay is for YOUR benefit). The motivation is fear and no fear based motivation can prosper long term by law. It also illustrates self-trust issues (my efforts are not enough), self-love issues (I am not enough) and reflects a belief of performance to earn love – which makes you uneasy receiving love. In short, it’s a spiritual cancer. Don’t ignore it, seek help.
Wow, Did You Hear?
Aileen Says…
Is this real life??? Beyond grateful for a powerful training by the amazing Nathania Stewart! I mean how did we get so lucky to have met someone that has coached Les Brown?!?? Thank you Nicole for introducing Alisha and I to her! Our businesses have sky rocketed since working with her. Thank you Tanya for an inspirational, no bullshit training tonight!! Love you!!!
Spread the Word!
If Fearless Focus Magazine made a difference for YOU, would you share this on your Facebook page?
[Focus Mag] Ha ha! I forgot the Subject lIne on my PERFECTION Focus Mag! Perfect Irony! 
My Mission:
I Show those READY for Better & WILLING to Change
How to Transform their Lives from Messes to Miracles, Overflowing in Loving Relationships, Vibrant Health, Visible Wealth & Perfect Self- Expression.
Powered by AWeber Email Marketing
Insert Subject Here
Our FOCUS:
How To Fail At ANYTHING (aka Perfectionism)
Even those who are perfectionists – oddly enough avoid the word perfectionist. Society has (happily) given it a bad name.
So all of you people who just want to “get it right” use euphemisms. You talk about the timing could be better, you need more resources, next year when the economy turns around, just need a little bit more time to take another look at it…and TRY harder.
Perfect is impossible. The attempt to make something perfect before you act is simply an excuse to avoid doing. Men who are commitment phobes search for a “perfect woman”. People who really like eating sugar search for the “perfect diet”.
Come on in… I won’t bite. Today’s deep dive is into perfection – the easiest way to fail at ANYTHING.
Julia Cameron, Writer
Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is the pursuit of
the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we
do will ever be good enough – that we should try harder.”
Today’s TRAINING:
In hindsight looking at the first two topics for the magazine: efforts for and comparing, it seems natural that perfectionism should be up next. After all these guys are all close cousins.
You have a tendency to “effort” due to your “comparing” which is all done with the grand design of making sure everything is “just right” before you do a damn thing.
And now for a brief rant on the things that would NOT exist if their inventors had been total perfectionists: cars, light bulbs, tampons, air-conditioning, radio, TV, cable TV, cell phones…
Can you spot the pattern? Just about anything that you find useful in your day-to-day existence was created by somebody somewhere who pushed past the urge to have it “just right” and got on with it.
I heard a quote recently that I liked:
Imperfect Action always beats Perfect Inaction – Harry Truman
Perfection sucks.
You don’t have to get it right, x you just have to get it going. (I am CLEARLY feeling very “quote-y”).
My favorite anti-perfection teaching I use all the time “You can’t steer a parked car. Meaning, you have got to get in motion for me to even be able to course correct you were give you some feedback.
So since ego loves efforting, adores comparing, you can fully expect that it is the President of the Fan Club of Perfection.
Here are easy instructions for HOW TO FAIL at the next important thing you’re going to do:
1) Decide that it’s important. Really important. Preferably your life will just go to hell in a handbasket if “it “doesn’t happen.
This will ensure that all of your energy is negative and lack based. It will guarantee that your motivation is fearful which must fail by law.
2) Then decide there’s only one way to do whatever it is you’re doing or to get wherever it is you want to go. Just the one.
On high spiritual terms this collapses the quantum field of possibilities so that it becomes impossible for you to see any option other than the single one you’ve identified, which makes it WAY easier for you to fail.
3) Now you should demand that the thing happen… Right now. Yes urgently. Critically. Right this moment.
Under no circumstances should you consider the possibility of allowing divine timing to assist or that God can veer off of your schedule. Be firm, let the Universe know you need it right the hell now.
4) At every moment of uncertainty, worry about failing.
Make doubly sure that you are focused on the worst possible outcome at ALL times, so that you only notice things that will lead you to that dark outcome. (Thank Goodness for the Law of Like to Like!)
5) Consult as many other people as possible who do not believe that you can succeed.
It can be difficult to ensure a total failure, however surrounding yourself with people who are used to failing themselves and/or watching you fail and then discussing your plans with them endlessly is a very good start.
6) Often overlooked but nonetheless critical, is try to do as little as possible toward the outcome. Avoid, delay, procrastinate, research, plan and argue are all great tactics here to avoid taking action.
Getting into motion and receiving feedback that could actually tell you how to course correct and reach your goal would require you to have to begin without certainty of success. That’s sounds uncomfortable. So obviously, that’s silly. Wait until you’re totally certain.
7) If you can’t bring yourself to simply expect to fail, please do the next closest thing and simply hope not to fail.
Thankfully, the doubt in the “hope” should successfully keep you from succeeding.
*******************************
Oh. Maybe I should have called that “7 Steps to Mastering Perfection?”
Or “How Your Ego Keeps You from Achieving Your Big Dreams While it LOOKS Like You Are Trying“
Yuck. Just to discuss this I had to use words I don’t like – like the word “try.” Try is a curse word to me. Long live Master Yoda just nailed this one when he said:
Do or do not. There is no try.
In fact, when I encounter someone who has perfectionist tendencies – they will often tell me that they are… (please imagine me gritting my teeth) trying!
The special version of trying that they’re doing usually involves Step 6 above.
Efforting. Comparing. Perfectionism.
Stop it.
Since I seem to be on a little bit of a roll, here is the quote that is powerful and true and a little magical. It conveys everything I want you to learn and act on. This quote is the antidote to perfectionism.
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back — concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
—Goethe
He’s even got Commitment in there (Step 1 of Tanya’s 4 Steps to Decide Anything). I love it. Make it your guide.
Tanya Recommends:
A book called “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield.
If you are battling your ego to get your work done, especially if it is creative work, this book will get you MOVING. What I call ego, he calls Resistance. I listened to it on a cross country flight and nodded in agreement so much, I’m shocked my neck wasn’t sore!
Excellent coaching in a book. I give it as a gift.
Here is a link to Amazon for $10, Audible for the audio book is $5 but you should be able to find it anywhere you look.
Hopefully you laughed during the 7 Steps above. I want you to look at the next “thing” you are pushing and pulling for. Run it through the list. See where you are holding yourself back with a focus on trying to “get it right”. DONE is always better than perfect. I launch at 80%. I teach that. When your “whatever” hits 80% – launch it. You will get quick feedback that will enable you to get your 80 up over 90. Does Apple send us iPhones at 100%? Hell NO!
“Perfection is a dream killer. It is just fear disguised as trying to do your best. It just is.”
—Mastin Kipp
Perfection involves you lying to yourself (I am not afraid) and lying to others (this delay is for YOUR benefit). The motivation is fear and no fear based motivation can prosper long term by law. It also illustrates self-trust issues (my efforts are not enough), self-love issues (I am not enough) and reflects a belief of performance to earn love – which makes you uneasy receiving love. In short, it’s a spiritual cancer. Don’t ignore it, seek help.
Wow, Did You Hear?
Aileen Says…
Is this real life??? Beyond grateful for a powerful training by the amazing Nathania Stewart! I mean how did we get so lucky to have met someone that has coached Les Brown?!?? Thank you Nicole for introducing Alisha and I to her! Our businesses have sky rocketed since working with her. Thank you Tanya for an inspirational, no bullshit training tonight!! Love you!!!
Spread the Word!
If Fearless Focus Magazine made a difference for YOU, would you share this on your Facebook page?
[Habits] 5 Ways Comparing Destroys Your Life
Talk To Tanya
My Mission:
I Show those READY for Better & WILLING to Change
How to Transform their Lives from Messes to Miracles, Overflowing in Loving Relationships, Vibrant Health, Visible Wealth & Perfect Self- Expression.
Powered by AWeber Email Marketing
[Habits] FF Mag: 5 Ways Comparing Destroys Your Life
Our FOCUS:
5 Ways Comparing Destroys Your Life
Comparisons are a favorite tool of the ego. Think about it for moment – which feels worse: having a plain sandwich and a glass of water for lunch OR having a plain sandwich with a glass of water when you know that all your friends are eating at an all you can eat buffet?
If you want to add insult to injury (and why not?) add in the fact that someone is BUYING their all-you-can-eat buffet! Now your sandwich tastes WORSE.
It makes us feel like failures (when we aren’t), like successes (when we aren’t), like giving up, going slow and blaming. Roll up your sleeves. We are taking this puppy apart today!
Mark Twain
“Comparison is the death of joy.”
Today’s TRAINING:
Today, I am teaching about five kinds of comparisons we do all the time & why all of them hurt you. My goal is that you notice where you do this and tackle it.
Comparison to the Impossible or Improbable
Comparison of Those Not Trying
Comparison to Avoid Doing
Comparison to Justify Slow Improvement
Comparison for Support Victimhood
Comparing to the Impossible and Improbable is the ego’s trick to get you to feel like a failure no matter where you are.
I don’t have to know your middle name and full street address to say if you compare yourself to our greatest teachers, Jesus, Muhammed, Buddha, Ghandi, Mother Teresa you are going to lose. You are, in fact, going to look petty, mean, selfish, fearful and lazy.
Most of you don’t have to stretch too hard to get that. Ahh, but what about comparing yourself to Oprah, Tony Robbins, Richard Branson or Tim Ferris of the 4 Hour Workweek? They feel more “human” and STILL you are worlds away from where they are. Not motivating.
Even comparing at a familiar level can hurt you – the perfect sister, your ex’s brilliant new job, that Martha Stewart mom or even me for that matter.
Your ego wants this comparison to make you FEEL less than and not enough. That energy TURNS off your ability to do better, see better or expect better (and you KNOW what I teach about expectations).
Try this shift – if they can do it, I can too.
Comparing to Those Not Trying is the ego’s trick to get you to feel like a success no matter where you are (and usually it’s not that far along). No more action needed. You’re GOOD, just coast.
Compared to the people who NEVER go to gym or make any effort to exercise and are 60-100 lbs (27-45 k) overweight your 20 lbs really isn’t anything to worry about.
No. No and Hell No.
This is also known as apples to oranges comparisons. If you compare a sour green apple to a lemon well, damn. That is the sweetest apple you EVER had. (I know they are decorative but I don’t like green apples! Just writing this flooded my mouth with saliva in defense!)
Comparing to Avoid is the ego’s tool to get you to run an inappropriate comparison and then “decide” that you are helpless to change the outcome.
Here’s how it goes: You are in a job you don’t like. The last time you were in a job you didn’t like and you spoke up to your boss, you got fired. So, since this situation is similar, you feel “STUCK” and do nothing.
Comparison to avoid depends on comparing what you have right now to a past “failure situation”. The brain is EXCELLENT at this. Remember, our brains do not like to THINK.
They like to recognize patterns (COMPARE!!!) and pull out the solution we used before. If that solution was a failure solution – your brain gives you two options – apply it anyway (yep, it’ll work THIS time) OR abandon hope and avoid.
Well meaning (or mean) parents will HELP you draw a comparison between what you are doing NOW and what your SISTER did before (that was an epic fail). This has you making decisions based on trying to AVOID which is fundamentally negative and will get you a matching negative result by law.
Comparing to Justify Slow Improvement is my favorite. You compare yourself to older, suckier versions of yourself so that you can keep exclaiming that you are doing marvelously NO MATTER WHAT. (Stop IT!)
I met a (chain smoker) guy who told me he was trying to quit. I respected that. When I went to visit (should have brought a respirator WITH me, poor planning on my part) I discovered he was smoking a PACK of cigarettes a DAY. WTF!
I, being a coach, gently inquired (read, DEMANDED to know as I choked to death trapped in a smoky car for 2 hours) where was the quitting part?! Well, he said proudly, he USED to smoke more than 2 packs a day. THAT shut me up. Progress right?
As I coach I do not let my clients play this game with themselves. It’s the “I’m making progress” compared to a sloth game. And it’s sooo comfortable. (Comfort is a swear word for me.)
“I’m trying.” “I’m making progress.” Don’t fly if you are still doing something you shouldn’t be doing at all. Here is where you need a no-excuses type coach.
Comparison to Support Victimhood is another popular ego activity where you attempt to win the “I have it hardest” Olympics.
People compare their lot against other victim groups. They happily reach the consensus after comparing that THEIR oppressor is SURELY the worst of them all (Gold!). And THEIR victim group is surely getting the worst deal of all the victim groups (Record Breaker).
So let me ask you right now – do you know what victim group you identify with? Almost everybody’s got one. And the trick is, they don’t come with a label saying “I am a victim group”. You’d never willingly join that!
A victim group is any collection of people who have taken the general view that X is the thing that is “after them”, oppressing them, screwing them or unwilling to help them get what they want. If you recognize you can be blocked by an external something, you have given that something some of your power – hence the victimhood.
If I had to claim a victim group, it would probably be small entrepreneurs/business versus the government doing crazy things with my money. See, even I’ve still got one.
Races have them. Both genders have them. Animal Lovers. Tree Lovers and Gun Lovers have them. Problem?
All victims groups DISEMPOWER. Mainly because they focus continually on what’s wrong, what’s not working, what’s missing – the lack, the fear, the crap. Not on solutions, possibilities or opportunities.
The only way you can focus on all those negative things is to COMPARE. Victim groups live and die on comparisons where they got “less.” Kill the comparisons.
The Lesson at the Gym
I stopped in the middle of creating this article to go to the gym. At the gym I go to a high intensity interval training class call 360 where you work your whole body. It. Is. Hard.
I got to listen to my own head today while I was working out and watching the people who showed up for class. There were two new people. They both quit halfway through. I know they compared their FIRST day to my established endurance. That’s just silly.
I use my gym class as a barometer of how well I’m doing reducing judging and comparing thoughts. I have improved massively this year using this measuring stick.
Years ago, I’d hear my ego making comments about other people’s effort (so I felt better) or comparing me to some of the super athletes (ouch, then I sucked). I no longer do this. If I do notice a comparing thought, I gently change it.
The Antidote to Comparison is Compliment
One of the most common thoughts in my head now is “what a pretty girl.” I love looking around noticing other happy and beautiful people. Whenever I notice them, I comment to myself what a pretty girl or what a happy couple. Whenever I can, I compliment and appreciate.
That takes me OUT of comparison and focuses on what is good and what I like – which only ever brings more of that into my life.
Because the habit of comparison is so deeply ingrained in subconscious – do not expect that you can just flip a switch & decide to stop comparing and do so. What I would have you do is pick a very short time frame, like from breakfast to lunch and set out to just NOTICE all of your comparisons.
You are looking for comparisons that result in negative judgments, statements or feelings. As you spot each one, STOP IT (video).
Tanya Recommends:
I have an “I am” app on my phone & iPad. It pops up during the day and tells me I AM amazing (and yes you can pick from a list of awesome adjectives to find the ones you like the best!). Here is the one that just popped up now. I am Remarkable!
Comparing comes from not feeling like you are enough. Use this free app to help fill your empty tank!
It’s in the Apple Store, Google Play and Itunes FREE.
I won’t always have FREE resources but when I do – GRAB THEM!
Get It
Tomorrow morning from breakfast to lunch watch and notice how much you compare things. When you notice one, don’t freak, just change the comparison to a compliment. It will take awhile & clear focus but you can begin to reprogram this habit first with awareness of it.
Next time you are upset about something ask yourself – what am I comparing to what I have that is making me feel I don’t have “enough”. Many times the comparison is your reality versus an idealized job, mate or life. Comparing ANY boss against an “ideal boss” that doesn’t exist generates pain.
Whether you seek validation for yourself (praise) or condemn another (criticism) you are using the external to try to make yourself feel better internally. If you do not go “within” you will go “without” – it’s a law. So comparisons involving externals must end poorly. Happily, looking back at how far you have come is internal referencing not comparing – whose object was judgment and superiority.
Wow Did You Hear?
Doug Says…
Tanya, It’s Doug M. and I just wanted to take 30 seconds out here and to call you up and tell you what an incredible individual you are. Thank you so very much for those tapes that you sent. And you have NO idea what positive influence you have in people’s lives. Especially mine. Just to tell you to have a very wonderful day! Thank you. Bye.
Spread the Word!
If Fearless Focus Magazine made a difference for
YOU, would you share this on your Facebook page?
[Habits] 5 Ways Comparing Destroys Your Life
My Mission:
I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Stop
Struggling
in Your Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your
Business and BALANCE IT ALL.