[Relationships] 7 Foolproof Steps to Healthy Empathy Inside – Series 3 of 4

You now know WHAT is Empathy and WHY you want it. Now let’s show you 7 Foolproof Steps to Showing Healthy Empathy.

1. Observe

Notice someone you care about is upset and that Healthy Empathy (#1) is needed. Get ready to follow the process.

2. Listen & Ask

Listen to what they are saying and see how they are acting. ASK what is wrong to get THEIR view and THEIR details. 

3. Environment

Think about their environment. That means have they been happy? Down? Under pressure? Ill? The energy of their most recent circumstances carries Momentum.

You must not do anything without understanding where THEY ARE vs. where you think they should be.

EMPATHY (and Love) Validates People’s Feelings

4. Summary

Here you list out the feelings you’ve been told and have seen. Make sure you add in their environment. Tell them you can SEE how ALL of that mixed together has triggered them and…you can UNDERSTAND their reaction given all that.

That last bit is crucial. It’s the “you’re ok because I am not judging or condemning you” part. I can see the road you’ve walked and agree that your feelings are VALID.  (Note: Valid does not mean you approve of their choice, just that you can ‘follow’ how they arrived to their pain.)

EMPATHY (and Love) validates people’s feelings even if (and especially if) they are different from your own reactions. Love Requires Empathy (#2).

5. Feedback

Ask them how they feel now (after your did Steps 1-4).

If they don’t feel better or lift up high enough to be grateful for the empathy YOU AREN’T DONE YET (told you this was grown up stuff!). 

Redo the process starting at Step 1 until they are better. 

Unhealthy Empathy is Where You Climb Out of Your Good Boat

Sometimes you need to do the process separately for each of their different triggers(can be 2-3). Sometimes the trigger is just  too big to “clear” all at once. Make sense?

Once their feedback to you is “I’m better”, go to Step 6.

6. Ask If Ready For A Solution

Notice you have NOT even attempted to solve anything yet! And you are STILL not offering solutions and advice. 

Here is the teaching analogy I gave to my mate, who has boats. If my boat breaks down on the river and you motor up alongside me, you may want to immediately hop on board and fix my motor.

I don’t know you! And I don’t know if you’re qualified to fix my motor or if you understand how my motor works.

Do not just board a sinking ship with your hammer in your hand! You will scare me and I’ll feel threatened, not helped.

If you notice my boat is in distress (Step 1), you’d ask me what happened(Step 2). You’d listen and pay attention to our surroundings (Step 3). Am I close to home or are sharks nearby? 

You’d explain what I understand is going on (Step 4) and let me fully respond without jumping in (Step 5).

THEN you explain your credentials with my motor and ask if I want your help(Step 6).

7. Solution

Now you offer your solution. And if they don’t like it or use it, you are careful to not make this about YOU. They are on the broken boat at the moment, not you!

Unhealthy empathy is where you climb out of your good boat and let it drift off while you join them in the broken (state) boat. Do not do this! 

Do this and you will develop your empathy skillset and learn the glue that builds the deepest bonds of love. And do not “get efficient” and skip steps my beautiful Alphas!

In Joy,