Being Alone…The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
It’s GOOD to be alone. It’s BAD if you CAN’T be alone and it gets UGLY when you force others to keep you from being alone. Hmm. A little more detail is in order.
First this is not about being an introvert or extrovert, it’s about Self-Love. When you love yourself, you are not just “ok” alone, you are happy.
Recall that phase in a young child’s life where they can happily play alone. Then, they got older. Got exposed to more stuff, more people, more external stimulus and whammo – that child now “needs” a toy, a playdate, someone to talk to, something that plugs in…
Guess what? That child is now YOU!
Let’s help you see where you are and see where getting good at being with yourself will make you happier AND better at being with other people…
Alice Koller, Modern Philosopher &
Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in the doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than the absence of others…”
Being Alone – THE GOOD
I’m an extrovert. (If this surprises you, you are clearly a NEW reader.)
I always believed that extroverts didn’t LIKE being alone. I have discovered a few things that really shifted my perspective.
- I am no longer a pure extrovert. I have found that as I have grown spiritually, I uncovered a deep introvert side that I never knew about or nurtured previously.
- Extroverts recharge around people. Introverts recharge alone. When I learned that, it was a huge aha moment! I do both. This is how I know I have become a hybrid.
- Some of the world’s top-paid speakers are introverts! Being an introvert does NOT mean you cannot do “social” or “public” things well.
- My ego distracted me and kept feeding the idea that I was a pure extrovert, so that I would starve the rest of me – the part of me in charge of deep connection, communication and intuition – the part connected to my heart.
We’ll loop back to why it’s GOOD to be alone, you may not fully buy it just yet…
Being Alone – THE BAD
(Some part of you just read that heading and nodded in agreement. It’s kinda what you already believe.)
This grew into a real triggering around the holidays – the pack of three: Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentine’s Day looked like a great big exam that told me how LOVED I was, translation, how LOVABLE and WORTHY I was. (What? You didn’t expect me to take my OWN word for my value did you? I was just like you.)
If you’ve ever heard me teach about the Square of Doom Behaviors (Regretting, Resenting, Rescuing and Resisting) – my poison of choice was RESCUING! OMG, could I rescue!
I rescued family (for awhile I thought about getting my own Bank of Tanya ATM), “friends” (who I had to learn later weren’t actually friends, they were victims under my protection) and men (if a man in trouble is like a cupcake, I used to run a bakery).
I used my rescuing so that I wouldn’t have to be…ALONE. If you needed me, you couldn’t leave right? Right? (Actually, wrong. People left anyway and it was waaaaayyy messier.)
There was a stretch of New Year’s Eve disaster stories that I could sell to the Hallmark Movie Channel. Including one date with a UPS Driver (package delivery service) who GOT LOST coming to my house and was an hour & half late, so dinner? Cancelled! We had a microwave breakfast sandwich from a gas station that made me sick (you can’t make this stuff up).
This was ALL so we’d be on time for my “SURPRISE” – which was NOT a New Year’s Eve Rock Concert like I thought but….. a church service at his favorite MEGA CORPORATE church. It was soo big that they shuttled people from the far parking zones!
I have not thought of that in years! I don’t have to risk these treacherous waters anymore because I love myself enough to be Happy alone. You don’t have to “fix” being alone.
Being Alone – THE UGLY
This is where you blame OTHER people for you not being happy when you are alone. You make your happiness someone else’s responsibility.
Tanya’s Definition of Loneliness: When you have made someone else responsible for your happiness and they don’t show up.
This is UGLY because it screws you up in several different ways:
- You feel like a victim and powerless because you gave your power of happiness away.
- You keep looking OUTSIDE of you for a solution when it’s an inside job.
- Your expectations feel like pressure to others, so they resist them automatically.
- You accept LESS just to have SOMETHING.
- You get addicted to the company of others, so being alone feels “weird” instead of natural.
There’s more but that’s enough to show you that if being alone feels super uncomfortable, you want to work on that.
Newsflash, even if you are MARRIED, your mate is not responsible for entertaining you constantly. They will in the beginning (some people call it courtship LOL) but it gets old.
I no longer make plans for the holidays. Yep. I let God deliver my plans to me. I spent Thanksgiving alone and have NEVER had a better Thanksgiving. I was happy. I felt loved and I did things I enjoyed ALL day. (Share My “Single Woman’s Dream Thanksgiving” here).
My Christmas plans arrived a few weeks before Christmas as a last minute, week long, Oceanside townhome on the beach. Solo. New Years? No clue yet. (Hint: Not even thinking about it.)
Back to Happy
Your ability to be alone and be happy is a great indicator of your self-love.
The funny thing about holidays is they are a time where we all “check” to see how much others love us.
IF YOU ARE TRULY LOVED you should already know! I am in a place that if my mate were here, he wouldn’t need to make ANY production out of ANY holiday because I already feel loved. I am now very EASY to love.
Can you be alone on a holiday? Well, how loved do you feel by YOU? How secure do you feel in their love? THAT is your answer.
Now you know why I think Being Alone is GOOD for you. It shows you your weak spot.
I cannot tell you the joy I have felt spending a week at the beach on the Gulf of Mexico for Christmas. The strangers I have met and laughed with. The blessings I have given. The family photos I’ve taken for people. It was THIS joy, THIS glow that led to what may be the best swimsuit photo I’ve ever taken. My “JOY” was showing!
Lonely is a choice. Start removing it as a default choice. Strengthen your self-love. Make a list of things you would like to do FOR you and do those things when you are alone. I feel delicious alone. Free of obligation and full of choices. I want that feeling for you too!
I asked my heart what I should recommend. YouTube popped into my head. I searched for “being alone” and THIS came up, first try. (What? I’m aligned!)
I could have written this! It’s perfect. It’s like she composed it AFTER reading my training.
I squeaked with awe when I saw the writer’s name was ALSO Tanya!
Invest 4 minutes and 9 seconds to watch this now. 107,025 people did too. How to Be Alone
I go the $2 show. Look and see if you have a discount movie theater near you and GO. Hell, it’s a $1 US on Tuesdays! I like to do a double feature. It feels GOOD to go see what I want when I want it (action, sci-fi without having to make a girlfriend suffer through it!). Easiest one? Drive without music. Just you.
Wow, Did You Hear?
Dawn, Client Says Her “Coached” Family Christmas WORKED
I have LOVED being even more disconnected than usual and have been more present in my life 🙂 Saturday afternoon I stopped doing anything for anyone else and read a fiction book for FUN!
Today I worked out, we all put together Lego sets in our toasty warm basement with the tree, and then played games. SO LOVELY to do what we want… To just BE and have fun together. Tanya, thanks for helping change my world!!!
Not having family in our house makes a big difference. We can wake up and do what we want instead of feeding people! I used to have 10 people live here for days at a time and wasn’t firm enough about my expectations. Now I am delighted with life!!!
My husband is SMILING for the first Christmas since I’ve known him!!!!! That says it all, and it is such a beautiful gift.
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